Communicating about Poor Communication

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What do you do if a coworker is poorly communicating with another? How do you diffuse the situation and help them both level up?

A friend asked me these questions. Two of her colleagues are intense communicators. One is a blood-born contrarian. The other is brash and complains. Both of them unsettle stomaches in meetings.

Nobody wants to be a pesky middleman or erupt a volcano of office politics. So how do you help the team improve?

I’ve taught teamwork to hundreds of college students for the past 4 years. Here’s what I’ve discovered … You can’t call out a brash person. You can’t tell an aggressive contrarian to stop. You can’t ask a complainer to quit complaining.

You first need to get on their side.

Get on their side

Deep down, in the heart of this poor communicator is a positive intent.

The intent of all communication is to cause some positive effect. The effect could be to change behavior or perspective. Intent may also be to protect oneself, however unconscious.

Anchor on their positive intent:

  • “I know you are trying to improve the situation …”

  • ”I’m glad you voiced your perspective …”

  • ”When you voiced that, it seems you were trying to achieve x, correct?”

These statements puts you on their side. You are an ally. You may feel hesitant to assume their positive intent. From my experience, people are rarely offended when you assume the best in them.

Show Limit of Effectiveness

You now need to show how they limit their effectiveness. Their intent could manifest better through a different phrasing:

  • ”You may be limiting your effectiveness by framing it that way …”

  • “It may be hard for people to listen when you frame it that way …”

  • ”I worry if your wording will lead people to be defensive when listening …”

Each form of poor communication has its own unique limits.

Brash communication can make listeners defensive. They will be more concerned with their own position and self than your words. Brash communication prevents your message from being heard.

Complaining communication closes the door to change. Instead of exploring how to fix the situation together, complains pessimistically state the bad. Complaints do not make room to make things to be better. Complaining can impact the listener to feel like things can’t change.

Contrarian communication - even if we’ll intended - can sometimes come off as challenging or demeaning rather than building together.

Better framing

The first phrase says “I know you want to do good things.” The second phrases says “your words are blocking your good thing becoming reality.” Now you can coach them to have better communication:

  • “A more useful wording might be…”

  • ”People may respond better to your perspective if you say it like…”

A key component to these statements are voicing doubt. Phrases like “may” or “possibly” invite collaboration. Nobody likes being bossed around with a “do this” or “don’t do that”. Instead, when you make a suggestion, use works like “consider,” “suggest,” or “recommend.” These words trust their judgement. It build their agency and empowers them to make the right decision. It shows respect.